One Semester Down

Well me have made it through our first half school year as a divorced, homeschooling family. Toward the end, the kids really seem to be feeling burnt out with school work, especially Melanie, my oldest. She really has accomplished a lot over the past four months, so her feelings are more than forgivable. This last week was actually quite a struggle between the two of us. She plain didn't want to do any more homework. This isn't exactly new, of course. She is generally less than thrilled with math, for example, but she was clearly even more done than usual by the time Christmas break finally came around.

We have found various ways of alleviating this homework fatigue. The floating holiday is one example. Once a month, and for absolutely any reason or no reason, the kids can take a random day off from school-work. They don't need to provide an explanation, and it makes no difference what day of the month it is.

Other times, their mother or I may give them the day off for any number of reasons. One problem with this is I'm often not sure when to give these extra days reprieve. Having had an incredibly difficult year, Melanie is sometimes a depressed teenager. She has every right to be. On days like this, it seems easier on all involved, to not require her to complete her homework. The problem arises when this becomes a weekly occurrence - or a twice-weekly occurrence... It has become a matter of teaching her to persevere with the things she needs to do, even when she doesn't feel like it.

Lack of communication between my ex-wife and myself can cause further problems with these random days off. There are times when Katie goes a week, or nearly so, without doing any homework at her mother's house. This means I either move her homework to the following week, or require her to do her homework while she is with me. Katie resents this quite a bit. While she is busy with her mom, she does not always have the self-control or foresight to stop what she is doing and get working on her homework. On the other hand, she is terribly upset when she comes back to my place and realizes she has to work on her homework in the evening or weekend. The reality is that this is not her responsibility. It should be up to her mother and I to encourage her to compete her work at appropriate times.

Anyway, I'm just rambling now. Any ideas out there?

"School Days"

When my wife and I were married, we were always very flexible in deciding what constituted a "school day." It was generally built around our work schedules, but even that was followed only occasionally. Now that we are divorced I find it easier on everyone to keep things more stable. We still have the opportunity to move things around at will - if we didn't, we would be passing on one of the great benefits of homeschooling. But in general, everyone knows what everyone is going to be doing on a given day. I have found that questions lead to unnecessary tension in our new situation.

My oldest lives with me full time, so she is basically on my schedule. She does her school work Monday through Friday and goofs off over the weekend. My younger daughter's schedule is somewhat more complex. Monday through Friday while I'm at school, Katie and my 4 year old son are at their mother's home. They spend Wednesday and Thursday nights there, and I pick them up Monday, Tuesday, and Friday afternoons. They are with me over the weekend (Confused yet? No worries, me too). I have arranged things so Katie has one day off from school during each parent's two full-time days. In other words, Katie has Wednesdays off from school with her mom, and Saturdays off with me. While this breaks up her weekend, it seems to work for everyone, most importantly, her.

The only real problem we are having with our current schedule is that Katie doesn't know how much homework to do at each parent's home on her split days. As a result of this confusion, when I pick her up at 5:00 on Monday for example, she may have all her homework done or she may have only just begun. The issue is that she spends more time at my home even on those days, but much of it is eaten up by sleeping, eating, and getting ready for either her day or bed.

Anyway, that's how we do it (or at least try to do it...) Any comments? What have you found helpful?

Post-Thanksgiving Post

Thanksgiving went well. We all got along and ate too much. For some reason I don't feel like it's a holiday without making far too much food. Plenty of leftovers.

I miss living near more extended family. Holidays make me want to surround myself and my children with as many relatives as possible. I think that has something to do with my subconscious drive to make too much food... In any case, I'm considering some ways to make this happen on future holidays. Last week my aunt invited the kids and I to spend Thanksgiving with her and her kids (my cousins). She is our closest extended fam, about three hours away. That would have been fun, but we had already arranged to have dinner with Stacy and the kids at my place. When I told my aunt this, she invited Stacy along as well. Obviously this didn't happen this time, but it got me thinking. What are relationships with ex-in-laws like? It would be really nice if we could all still spend holidays with extended family, but it's a little hard to imagine that being a comfortable situation. When I brought up the idea to Stacy, she seemed pretty uninterested.

What do you all think? Any experience with ex-in-laws? I supposed it could get easier as time goes by. We shall see.

Kevan

Thanksgiving

Well tomorrow's the big day. Stacy, my ex, is coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. This will be our first set of holidays since the divorce. Katie, my ten year old, is pretty stressed about it all. I was worried we weren't going to be able to do any of the holidays all together, but in the end, we were able to work things out in a way Stacy was comfortable with. I really think it's best this way, especially for this first set. There are so many first times involved with divorce. At least this way, some of the trauma is minimized I think.

Hanging out with Stacy is an interesting experience. When the kids are with us, it's almost like we are friends. Other times we can't seem to fathom how we ever got along well enough to get married.

Well happy Thanksgiving to all. I hope everyone reading this has someone they love they are spending the day with. 

Kevan

I'm hoping to see Ron Paul at UNR tomorrow!

Ron Paul's Views On Home Schooling

Washington D.C. 9/18/2007 07:13 AM GMT (FINDITT)

Many parents of home schooled children are likely wondering how the 2008 Presidential Candidates are feeling about the issue of home schooling. Many of the candidates have not made a formal statement regarding home schooling, perhaps because many of them think the issue is not as pertinent as other issues.

However, Ron Paul has voiced his opinion on home schooling. He calls it a “practical alternative” for families. He strongly supports the issue and option of home schooling in America and puts such a strong emphasis on it, one wonders why the other candidates haven’t mentioned their takes on this interesting educational issue. According to USAElectionPolls.com and their reports of the ARG polls, Ron Paul is still only coming in with 1% of supporters at this point. One could guess that 1% are home school supporters, no doubt.

The reason Ron Paul agrees home schooling is an important part of American education is because he believes parents should have more control over the education of their children. He wants to take home schooling incentives even further by advancing tax credits via the Family Education Freedom Act. This would allow parents to use more of their own income for their home schooling efforts. He vows to protect home schooling parents by promising “federal monies must never be used to undermine the rights of homeschooling parents”.

http://www.transworldnews.com/NewsStory.aspx?storyid=23092&ret=Default.aspx

More on Unschooling

Hi everyone. Sorry it’s been a while. The kids and I recently started school, so the blog got temporarily put on the back burner.

I received a couple comments on my unschooling post of a couple weeks ago. I really appreciated the feedback and was mildly surprised, as I hadn’t even had time to announce the blog anywhere. Rather than let the comments slide by, I thought their intelligence and eloquence deserved a proper response. Not that I have real answers or anything, but they bring up good points that deserve further dialog. So, without further ado, here goes:

OrganicSister said...

Hi! Stumbled across your blog and found this post interesting. Here is something to think about...why can't you find the time? If you have the time to sit down with books to teach, don't you then have the time to go explore nature? There are tons of single parent unschoolers who do it; with determination, you could too! Best wishes!

Always testing boundaries,
Tara ;)

Thank you Tara for your response. When I say I don’t have the time, I mean it in a big way. I am currently going to school full time (three hours drive time, five days a week), and pursuing various avenues at earning a living. The only way I have time to “sit down with books to teach” is by making the most out of a lot of drive time, and working with the children while I am doing my own school work.

Tammy said...

Hey there,

I personally think that using labels in this kind of situation is problematic. The reason being, is that the term "unschooling" means different things to different people. It's hard enough when there are two people who are living together to talk about what kind of homeschooling to do. But when it's a divorce situation, you aren't there to see the interactions, and to understand first hand how it's working. (Assuming that the kids are with your ex-wife most of the time.)

Basically, you're their dad, and you have a vested interest in their lives and learning, but you aren't there to share it with them. You want to know they are learning and you have every right to know that. And to see that.

I am with my children the majority of the time. My ex-wife has our two younger children almost a third of the time, and the oldest, not at all. While I am not there to see how things really work when the kids are with their mom, I have a decent understanding of what they are learning and what they are not. I completely agree with your unstated sentiment that children can learn from unschooling. I just also believe whole-heartedly that the mere fact that a child does not “do school”, does not mean they are unschooling. As I stated in a previous post, unschooling can be a wonderful, fulfilling way to learn and grow up.

So, I think instead of looking at it from an "unschooling" or "not unschooling" perspective, perhaps work to find the specific things you would like to do to stay connected with your kids and their growth. The more specific you can define your needs, the easier it will be to find a solution. If you look at the big picture of "education", that's impossible to tackle. But if you look at specific things, like, say, "making sure that their needs are being met. When they are curious about something, do their questions get answered? Are they being exposed to new stuff often? Are they being given opportunities to practice things they like to do? Do they get a lot of human interaction on a daily basis?" Things that don't fall under a category of "homeschooling styles", but rather fall under the category of "the important things in life."

Here, I will have to interject again. What if the answer to some of the above questions is a resounding “no”? As I said, I am quite aware of the day to day experiences of my children, and they are not always given the parental time and energy needed to fully pursue many of the things they are interested in. Do I feel guilty about this? Of course. But at this point, all I can do is to gear their “school learning” toward things they are most interested in, whenever possible. No, they are not neglected children. They are, however, the victim of a divorce by two very busy parents.

If you and your ex do not agree on the "important things in life", then THAT's the issue, not unschooling or eclectic schooling. If you can figure out how to pinpoint the actual issues and deal with them on an individual basis, the "way" to homeschool will become clear. Not on the grand scale, but bit by bit, small thing by small thing, until eventually, it will add up to one big thing.

Make sense?

Good luck with everything.

http://justenough.wordpress.com - my alternative education blog

Thank you very much for taking the time to comment. In many ways I do agree with you. There are some fundamental aspects of raising children that my ex-wife and I disagree on. We are beginning to work together a little better as time passes, so hopefully this situation will improve.

Folks, once again, I am NOT bashing unschooling. I have nothing whatsoever against it with regard to learning or general living. I understand that unschooling is a way of life for many people. It is something I have studied deeply, and I have incorporated many of its tenants into my own child-rearing life. As a matter of fact, my children’s mother had never heard of unschooling until I introduced her to the idea many years ago. My current “problem” with unschooling is of a personal nature. I want my children to have the best life possible. For us, at this moment, taking into account the needs of my children and the schedules of their parents, unschooling does not seem to fit into our lives – even if we wish it did.

Kevan

Unschooling Thoughts

Valorie Delp is one of my favorite homeschooling bloggers on the net. In a few recent posts she discusses the ups and downs of unschooling. This is something we tried for a while while my wife and I were still together. Now that we are divorced, my ex-wife would like to unschool completely. I am not on board.

Let me start out by saying that I am not against unschooling. My problem with doing it personally is that I don't think either my children's mother, or myself, have the time to unschool properly. In essence, I think there is a huge difference between unschooling and no-schooling.

In my understanding, unschooling requires the participating parent or parents to be available on a near full-time basis, and dedicated to pursuing the child's interests to whatever degree the child's attention span will allow. This may mean using text books, literature, the internet, the local museum, whatever is needed to encourage learning in whatever direction the child would like to go.

No-schooling, on the other hand, requires little work on the part of the parent(s). I actually overheard an unschooling mother say she simply can't imagine doing school work at home as she doesn't have the time or energy. This type of approach is doing a disservice to the children involved by not encouraging growth and an apatite for learning.

So, while I would love to have the time to unschool my children, I think the semi-structured eclectic homeschooling rout will have to suffice for now. What do you all think?

Major Challenges

I was just rereading Single and Homeschooling by Terri Brown: http://www.homeeducator.com/FamilyTimes/articles/9-2article15.htm

The biggest challenges about being a single parent and homeschooler, are not having the financial resources, time and energy to do everything we would like to do,” says Hill. “It is very difficult for me, as the sole parent, to be actively involved in all the various activities my kids would like to undertake. Just the physical act of driving them to and fro is exhausting and overwhelming.”

One single parent homeschooler interviewed finds the challenges to be mostly emotional. “I’d say the biggest challenge would be that I don’t have anyone to discuss everything with, no one to work everything out with. No one to boost my confidence when I need it, or bounce ideas off of when I feel stuck.”

I can certainly relate to the physical and emotional challenges discussed here. When I was still married, my wife and I had our schedules arranged so that one of us was always with the kids. She worked evenings and I worked days. We rarely saw each other there toward the end. Then, once she moved out, we planned to attempt to change our kids lives as little as possible by giving them the same basic schedule with each parent. I naively believed this would mean that what they needed from me would not be substantially more than it had been before. As is so often the case these days, I was mistaken. During my time with the kids, their demands on my attention and time were far greater than they had been in the past. There are several reasons why this is the case.

One very important cause for this change is the fact that this is a time of unprecedented fear and stress in their lives. Their worlds have just been turned upside down, and it is natural that they will be more needy. My four year old cries more often now than he did when he was three. My ten year old seems to cry almost as often as the four year old. Quite out of character. The 13 year old magically transformed from a child into a full blown teenager in the space of three months.

Another factor influencing their increased emotional and physical demands on me is they seem to feel they need to maximize their time with me. They always appear to feel that time is running out. They are constantly counting down to the moment their mother will come pick them up with both trepidation and elation. How can they ever truly relax? I desperately hope this is a phenomenon restricted to the early months after a divorce.

Of course, a final issue leading to a serious increase of pressure on dad is the reality of our custody situation, namely, I have a 13 year old in the house full-time. Without another parent around to assist with the emotional and practical implications of raising a teenager... Well, the resulting pressure left on me is pretty intimidating.

The culmination of these factors has encouraged me to start this blog, and to begin a search for resources, both emotional and practical, to aid me in my new endeavor. So, believe me, we'll be talking more about this! Any feedback?

Intro to Me

How do you start the first entry of a blog? I have no idea. Maybe I should pretend I have been doing this for years, and you all are just now coming on board, late to the game? I guess not. My name is Kevan. I live in Northern Nevada with my three children, two dogs, a cat, and a duck. How's that for a start?

I married when I was 21 and my wife was 18. My wife-to-be had a 15 month old daughter when we met, and within a year of our marriage, I had adopted my eldest daughter and had another on the way. Six years after the birth of our second daughter, we had a little surprise: a bouncing baby boy.

After eleven years of marital bliss, I now find myself a single father of three beautiful kids. We have always homeschooled our children, and during the divorce process, we both expressed our commitment to continuing their lives as normally has possible. The big plan was to split custody equally and continue to work off shifts, thus maintaining a sense of normalcy for our children. We were going to live very near each other and continue to work together. I know it will come as a huge surprise to hear that things have not turned out quite as I had imagined.

To start, my now ex-wife moved over an hour away into California. It turns out that is a lot of driving when done four or five days a week. And that is actually one of least of the problematic decisions she has made that has caused continuing problems with our plan. In any case, the short of it is this: I have full custody of our oldest daughter, and primary custody of the younger two.

Needless to say, this changes things for me. I now have a 13 year old girl living in my home all the time, and I have no help with her rearing or schooling right now. I can not exactly leave her home five days a week and go off to work or school. Since I am nearly done with my technology degree, my grandparents have generously decided to help me financially so I can finish it. It is not nearly enough to live on, however, and school is incredibly time consuming at the rate I have been attending (22 credits last semester).

So, what to do? You're looking at it! Well, not exactly. I transferred my credits to an online school, and began looking for ways to support myself and my children from home. Now, believe me, I have no delusions of financial grandeur about this blog. SPH is born primarily of my desire to communicate with others in a similar situation as the one I now find myself in. I searched the internet for a community of like-minded people. While there are some wonderful articles and blogs out there, most or all of them are outdated and abandoned. Did they all get remarried? Who knows. But the point is, I want one and I couldn't find one. Also, I am working to find ways to make a career of the things I am passionate about, my kids, technology, etc, and in the mean time, I want to fill a little online nitch along the way. Who knows where it will lead?

So, let's roll. I will do my part by keeping up on news and opinion regarding the things single homeschooling parents have to face, and I really hope to learn from, and get to know many of you. Please let me know you are here by emailing and commenting often. You know how it is: It can get to feel pretty lonely out here sometimes.

Kevan Thoman